Was Jesus the Original Vampire?

If you are super religious, you may not like this and should stop reading now.  But if you find humour in all aspects of life, including religion, please continue.

People have been calling Jesus a zombie for years now.  Because, he rose from the dead.

You know who else can rise from the dead? Vampires.

I believe that Jesus wasn’t a zombie, but a vampire, the original vampire and here is why:

  1. Vampires drink blood — Communion in the church involves, drinking the blood of Christ.  That’s a vampiric behaviour. Zombies, they just want brains.
  2. Vampires don’t like crosses — Jesus was hung on one.  Most people wouldn’t like something if it was bad and done to their relative like that.
  3. Vampires don’t like stakes — Jesus was stabbed by one (spear, stake, same thing.)  Again, something bad happening to a relative.
  4. Vampires like sarcophagus — Jesus took a three day nap in one.  Everyone likes napping.
  5. Zombies can’t really communicate — Jesus came back to life and was able to talk and communicate no problem, vampire like.

But wait!  You say, Jesus was walking around in the sunlight!  In a lot of the vampire mythos, the original vampire had no problem with sunlight (and you even had some day walkers after the original vampire.)  Guess, this makes him the original vampire or a day walker.

There you go.    I submit that Jesus was not a zombie, but in fact, a vampire.




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