Those of you that know me, know I’m not into drugs, cigarettes and don’t drink much. And yet I still have an addiction I’m constantly fighting. I thought I had won the fight several times over. I went for months, even a year or more with out touching my addiction. But slowly, I started making excuses. Started to allow it back into my life.
It starts off simple enough, oh, this isn’t really it. It’s OK if I have this just this one time, it won’t do much other than make me sick. Then I will remember why I quit it. But even though it makes me sick, I continue to use it more and more. To the point where I stop thinking about it, or what it is doing to me. How it changes my body in a bad way. Nausea, cramps, too much sleep, too little sleep, weight gain, head aches, body aches, bad recovery from work outs, unable to work out because of just all around feeling like crap.
Then there is also the monetary side of things. Sure it starts off cheap. “Oh, I will just get this small one.” And that would be good for a couple of days. But as the addiction takes a hold, it requires more constant feeding. And as you get use to it, you need to not only get it more frequently, but you need to find more pure forms of it. So you start buying more and more, and not only are you buying it more frequently, you start buying more expensive stuff just to get a fix.
I use to ask myself. “How can a drug addict do that to themselves?” Or “What is wrong with that alcoholic? Just stop drinking, it’s easy.”
Why does one do that to themselves? Why do they do something that causes misery in their life? When I realized I was an addict, then the answers to those kinds of questions became quite clear. Some times they do it because they have this state of mind, where the just NEED to do it. Doesn’t much matter how it happens, it just needs to happen. Other times, they do it, but they don’t know they are doing it until after it’s done. They go about getting their fix and after the deed is done, they think “What the hell? Why did I do that? How did I do that? I didn’t even realize I was doing it!”
When I realized that I was doing things with out even knowing it, that is when I knew I had a problem. I had to get clean. I didn’t want my body to feel like crap any more. I wanted my body to work well and feel good. I was tired of being a slave to the addiction. I was … Just tired in general. The path is a long one since it’s continuous.
The first time I tried to break it, it took three weeks. Those three weeks were pure hell. I was just in a bad mood all the time, everything on my body hurt and was rebelling against not getting what it wanted. I’ve heard of other people going through similar issues as they detoxed from narcotics, heroin, coke, meth… How miserable it was.
That fourth week… That was bliss. No more head aches. No more feeling tired. No more body aches, cramps, moodiness, nausea. I was feeling good, energized, work outs felt real good and strong. Recovery times from the hard workouts were quick and less painful. Muscles weren’t as tight or cramping as much. Life was good. Seeing better, thinking more clearly, I was like… Super Human it felt! Foods started to taste better… Things that I thought use to be good food (taste wise not health wise) tasted… Gross. Good, well prepared foods tasted amazing!
I was clean! And I felt clean! It was good! I stayed that way for a long time too. At least a year, if not year and a half. Then slowly the addiction started to poke it’s head up again and quietly suggested things that would be OK. Wouldn’t hurt where you are now. Come on, it’s OK! It’s still clean, just a bit … Different. I started to agree. I started to follow that path backwards. First it was just small things, once or twice a week… Then it grew and needed more frequent feedings… Addictions are a hungry beast. They can be dormant for a while… But when they awaken, they are hard to beat, and can’t easily be satisfied.
It’s been several years since that first attempt at breaking my addiction. I still fight it, and frequently lose the battle. But as I write this, this marks my new beginning. My new attempt at cracking the addiction once and for all. I will tame this beast this time. I will gather up all my resolve and will power and force it out of my system.
So this holiday season, please forgive me if I’m moody, temperamental, irritable, cranky and just plain ole not fun to be around. It’s just because I’m trying to re-break my addiction, pretty much at the worse possible time of the year…
But my addiction to sugar, stops now.